Adjustment

Yesterday's tour was a lesson in dying. First run out the door I found myself doing CPR for 10 minutes while the Medics pushed drugs and checked the monitor. There was no dignity, it was not clean and simple. Instead it was awkward and a bit scary. I felt inadequate, and at times - useless. Death was not gracious - perhaps she never is.

You must understand, as I thought I did, that I will face death many times over in my 25 year career. However, I was not sure how it would be that first time. Now I know. It was one thing to see the dead, quite another to "work" the dead.

The remainder of the shift was no better. Multiple gunshot victims, dumpster fires, and domestic violence calls rounded out the day. I think I'm tough, I think I can handle it - but yesterday sucked and I'm not sure I'm ready for another day like it - just yet.

The older guys at my house say there is an adjustment period. You must get used to death before you feel normal after a day like yesterday. Do I want to get used to it? Do I have to get used to it? What else about me might change because of this job?